Exhaling

It has been more than a year since I have written here. I meant to type up and post the remainder of my journal entries when I returned from Paris to the States. But the craziness of the year before Paris continued in the year after Paris. So, I doubt anyone still is reading. But I need to put these thoughts out here.

...

Life has been a bit manic lately.

Some things are going very well. I got the job. I got the promotion. Of course, me being me, me being a perfectionist, I still feel I could be performing better within my position. And beyond that, since I am where I thought I would be in 10 years, I need a new plan. Where to go from here?

But some things are going not so well. I feel like there should be so much more to life. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s Connecticut. I’d like to blame it on this ridiculous state, this ridiculous town. Even this ridiculous (albeit great) job.

My life is quite shallow. My job serves no greater purpose. Sports are pure entertainment, although Congress seems to think otherwise. Very rarely do sports do anything for the good of humanity. And my job certainly does little to support those occasional good acts. The closest I have come in the past seven months was editing a story on PeacePlayers International. I might be a realist, but I still do have a pinch of idealism. And often, I feel I should be doing something bigger. You are thinking: “You work for ESPN. It doesn’t get bigger than that.” And in some ways, I agree with you. I should not complain; I have gotten a lot of what I wanted. I got out of Idaho, I got a great job, I make good money, I have a solid future. I escaped the sinking ship that is newspapers, and I have potential to advance in a growing company. And I feel I have been living my life in a way that I won’t have to look back and sing the words to that old Reba McEntire song: “Is there life out there/So much she hasn’t done.”

However, as much as I thought this was what I wanted for my future, I still want more. That sounds selfish. But I want more than a Type A personality and a workaholic lifestyle. I am trying to organize my priorities according to what is in my heart, which, when I snap shut my cell phone after a conversation with my parents or oldest, bestest friends, is so full I can hardly breathe. That fullness can be good or bad, feeling like a hug or making me want to cry. But it always makes me realize that my family is so far away and that my friends are scattered around the country, the world. And it always makes me realize how few and far between these moments of feeling truly loved are.

That is what I am realizing yet again tonight. I am making friends here. But I feel like the awkward preteen I was when I switched from Catholic school to public school in seventh grade. Minus, thank goodness, the bangs and overall jean shorts (stop laughing). I know I need to not be scared, to relax, to be open. But I am hesitant. I can blame it on the turmoil of the past few years with so many moves, making so many friends and having to leave so many friends. I can blame it on not wanting to share part of myself with someone I eventually will lose touch with. I can blame it on not wanting to feel disloyal to those friends who helped me through the roughest patches. But if I am to be honest, I will admit that I still am 12 years old, wanting to be accepted and sit at the popular kids’ table. I have been honest in those parts of myself that I have shared. But I have not shared all parts of myself. I fear the “too much information” effect. I know what you are saying: “If they truly are your friends, they will accept all of you.” But living 2,500 or more miles from the people I know truly are my friends has dampened my confidence. And you try working in this gossipy, backstabbing place. I already am a bit afraid of what they say about me.

In addition, I see so many people having relationships, getting engaged, getting married. I feel very ready to meet a man. Maybe not to get engaged, maybe not to get married. I see so many people planning their lives (and their careers, which, admittedly, unfortunately, always will be a sticking point) around their significant others’ lives. I still am fairly young. But I am not that young. And it has been a while. It has been so long since I have met someone, anyone, that I can’t help but worry it never will happen. I worry that perhaps I passed by, got rid of, or screwed up something good. I have no lingering thoughts about three of my four serious relationships. One was with a guy I still love as a friend. A second would have culminated with marriage, and me barefoot and pregnant. A third was with a guy who has too many issues, not baggage, but serious problems he refuses to admit. I do still have questions about that fourth. It was with a guy who might have been the one who truly loved me. And despite some bad behavior on his part, we both played a role in that relationship ending. I didn’t really know him until he was gone. And beyond those four, there were two other flirtations, mini-relationships, that fell through due to poor timing, my hesitation and probably other factors. As you can see, I have a bad habit of wondering what might have been. But sometimes, that is less heart-wrenching than hoping for what might be.

It is time for me to take a deep breath again and let the frustration out with the air. Because in the end, I do trust God. I know He has a plan for me. He has gotten me this far. I just need more faith, more patience. To live life according to His will, but in this moment.

le 23 octobre 2006

I do miss and love you all! But I have more exciting things to do in Paris than write on my blog. As you will read below! :)

Day 14: Chartres! It is a beautiful cathedral a few hours drive from Paris. Apparently, Gabriel thought the best way to wake us from the naps we all took on the bus was to make us climb the gothic tower, which has 300+ steps. Fortunately, the next activity was lunch at the market. We bought pizza and ate while sitting on the steps of a shop that was closed. The French do not take kindly to people who picnic in this manner, but many did wish us, "Bon appetit!" After lunch, we took a guided tour of the cathedral and its crypt. I am not going to try to describe the cathedral, because I know I cannot do it justice in a short post. I will say the detail, both inside and outside, is amazing. Also, an interesting fact: The stained-glass windows contain advertisements for the guilds that paid for them. Then it was back to Paris. ... La nuit blanche! For reasons that no one could or would explain to us, the whole city was open the whole night. We met at Montmartre, where we ate ice cream and crepes and visited the wine festival. Then we sat on the steps of the Basilique Du Sacre Coeur De Montmartre, where we watched a fireworks spectacular, listened to a band and socialized with everyone from ISA. La petite groupe decided the next stop was the Place De La Concorde, where all the monuments were illuminated with blue spotlights. From there, we walked down the Champs-Elysees to the Arc De Triomphe, only momentarily distracted by ice sculptures of sheep (or bears? or sea lions?). It was after 1 a.m. when we all decided we were tired. We had just missed the metro, so I took my first taxi ride in Paris.

Day 15: Laundry. I was so sad I could not go to the San Antonio Spurs-Maccabi Tel-Aviv basketball game that I did not even want to know the score. But if you are curious, it was Spurs 97, Maccabi 84.

Day 16: Laundry. Cleaning. I met with the registrar to enroll formally in Paris decouverte, as my poor French skills had stirred a duststorm of confusion between ISA, the registrar and the professor. Text book shopping (30E!). Then homework.

Day 17: Langue francaise. I had my first experience in the cafeteria and learned why there is a two-hour lunch break: It took 40 minutes to get food. Francais ecrit. Then home. Then homework. I again skipped Ladies' Night at the Long Hop. Next week.

Day 18: Langue francaise. We went to a bagel shop for lunch. Paris decouverte. I found La Fontaine Stravinski, which is one of my favorite monuments in Paris. We took a great group photo in front of it the first time I was here. Then home. Then homework.

Day 19: The metro was being unusually slow, and I literally had to run to L'actualite en France, because I did not want to buy chocolate for the whole class. Mme. Andrawiss-Dlamini and Mme. Palmiero both have only three rules: silence your mobiles before class, be on time for class and speak only in French during class. If you violate the rules, you must buy chocolate for the whole class. Fortunately, I was on time. ... After class, there was an ISA excursion to the top of the Eiffel Tower. We took some fantastic photos of a fantastic sunset. It definitely is the best time of day to go, although it is cold. Then we went to Saint Michel in search of pasta for dinner. The area is a bit touristy, but it has good prices and a fun atmosphere. We thought about staying out and going to a bar but decided against it. Everyone was getting sick. ... I was ending the evening at the apartment, in my pajamas, doing my nails, watching television and waiting for news, when Louise and Guy arrived. So embarrassed! Then homework.

Day 20: A skirmish with my alarm clock. Langue francaise. I went to the ISA office to pick up a package (thank you, Mom!). I was going to meet Louise and roommate-Melissa (who were shopping) and Louise's friend, but he cancelled. A quiet dinner. Early to bed.

Day 21: At 7:45 a.m., the bus departed for the Chateaux De La Loire. Again, I am not going to try to describe the chateaux, because I know I cannot do them justice in a short post. ... Chambord. The first time I was in France, I did not tour this castle, although I did take a photo in front of it. It was my second favorite chateau of the weekend, with a double-helix staircase, fairytale roof and large estate. Although much of the interior was devoted to the castle's history as a hunting lodge, it also housed a beautiful tapestry exhibit. ... Blois. I certainly did not tour this castle the first time I was in France. It was my fourth favorite chateau of the weekend but perhaps the most intriguing because each of its four wings was built in a different era with a different art and architectural style. The sun emerged while we were on the terrace overlooking the Loire River, which made for some postcard-perfect photos of the town. ... Then, because Gabriel loves surprises, and because one cannot go to the Loire Valley without tasting its wine, we went to a winery. We toured the facility and the museum, but of course the highlight was the tasting. Roommate-Melissa and I found a rose and a blanc that we liked very much and bought three bottles (a rose for Louise, a rose for ourselves and a blanc for ourselves). I promised to protect the identities of the innocent and the not-so-innocent, but I will say that 40 people finished 19 bottles of wine. Oh, and there was a piplet involved. It made for the best bus ride ever to Tours. ... At Tours, la petite groupe plus Sylvie went to dinner and a bar. Then Genny, roommate-Melissa and I tried to find une boite de nuit but were unsuccessful. We were joined by some more ISA people, continued to be unsuccessful, went to the hotel and went sleep.

Day 22: Chenonceau. This castle was my favorite the first time I was in France, and it was my favorite chateau of the weekend. As Anna pointed out, the fact that it is my favorite is logical, because it was built for entertainment and pleasure, not business and protection. It also was inhabited mostly by women. It straddles a river almost like a bridge but has magnificent gardens on its banks. ... Amboise. The first time I was in France, I saw this castle only from the outside as I visited the town. It was my third favorite chateau of the weekend, with the new perspective of touring the interior and learning some of its history. However, I already knew its most interesting history: Leonardo DaVinci came to live in Amboise at the request of the king and was buried on the grounds of the chateau. I saw his grave in the chapel. Ooo ... Then it was back to Paris. We gave Louise her bottle of wine and stored our bottles for a special occasion. I discovered I took 103 photos over the weekend. (Heather, do you want to teach me how to post some? Please? :) )

Day 23: I pretended I was not sick. Then homework.

Day 24: I pretended I was not sick. Langue francaise. At lunch, we had a wonderful picnic at the Jardins Du Luxembourg. Francais ecrit. After classes, I went with the two Melissas and Emma (roommate-Melissa's classmate) to a little Chinese import shop, where I broke down and bought a cute pair of flats for 8E. Then home. Then homework. Roommate-Melissa went to a play for one of her classes, and by the time Louise and I finished dinner, I decided to skip Ladies' Night at the Long Hop. Next week (except we all have tests Wednesday). Next-next week (except we all might be in London). Next-next-next week?

Day 25: I pretended I was not sick. Langue francaise. We had social hour and a homework party at lunch. Paris decouverte. Mme. Palmiero planned to keep the class inside because it looked like it might rain, but we convinced her we should go explore because it was not raining at the time. Anna, Genny, Valerie and I made fast work of L'Ile De Cite and were the first group finished, so we had time for a cafe in a cafe. An interesting fact: If you visit Paris, I will show you the oldest public clock in the city. I love how much this class adds to my cache of random knowledge that I likely will never need but am more than happy to share with others. Then home. Then homework.

Day 26: I admitted I was sick. L'actualite en France. Then home. Then a nap. Then homework. I got talked into going to Student Night at the Long Hop. I stayed only a half hour, long enough for a glass of orange juice.

Day 27: I continued to be sick. Langue francaise. I went to the pharmacy for Humex, the wonder drug that cured Valerie. Then home. Then a nap. I felt much better, so I joined the two Melissas and Valerie for an excursion to the Eiffel Tower. There, we were joined by Genny, Laura (Genny's roommate), Sanjay (Genny's special friend), Sarah (Valerie's friend), Maria (classmate-Melissa's roommate), George (Maria's friend) and Nicholas (Maria's friend). Between the 11 of us, we finished a few bottles of wine. Then we walked along the Seine to La Scene, the boite de nuit to which we have gone a few times. George knows the owner, so we got a table. Then we danced until 4 a.m.

Day 28: It rained, and I was lazy most of the day. In the evening, despite the cold and the drizzle, the two Melissas, Genny, Valerie and I had a picnic at Notre Dame. We grabbed some fries in Saint Michel, then drank champagne and cider while watching the tourist boats on the Seine. We finished at a hookah bar in Saint Michel (Genny and Valerie hookahed while the rest of us watched in amazement). It was a good, mellow girls' night after the excitement of the night before.

Day 29: I got to talk to my parents! Then I met George at 9 p.m. at Trocadero, which has a beautiful view of the Eiffel Tower. We went to the Malakoff Cafe and "parle de tout et de rien." It was a good date.

Day 30: I am being productive!

Up next: Planned: the football match between France and Greece, an excursion to Versailles, an excursion to Normandie/Mont Saint Michel. To be planned: museums, trip to London, trip to Nice.

Funny stories I need to remember to tell you all: Roommate-Melissa running away from the metro police, Genny being harassed by a construction worker using a jackhammer, more adventures on the metro.

le 18 octobre 2006

Dad – No, the classes and activities are not overwhelming me. However, they are whelming me. I think you can be whelmed in Europe. :)

At this point, I think we all can agree I am as bad at blogging as I am at e-mailing. But I am trying! Today, blogging. Friday, e-mailing.

I cannot explain how much I miss my laptop and high-speed cable or wireless Internet. Wireless Internet that does not disconnect every few minutes. :(

Day 10: The first day of school! My first class was Langue francaise (with Mme. Lancien from 9 a.m.-noon Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays). Mme. Lancien is rather relaxed; her most-used phrase is, "Ce n'est pas grave." But if she thinks a student is not paying attention, the student gets an irritating earful of, "Yoo-hoo!" The course itself is a solid mixture of old and new material. ... My second class was Francais ecrit (with Mme. Comerre from 2-5 p.m. Tuesdays). Mme. Comerre resembles physically the character Agatha Trunchbull from the book Matilda. But her bulk belies her friendly disposition; she gives what only can be described as bear hugs while helping students. As for the course, it includes weekly dictation, which helps my conversation comprehension. ... At lunch, Valerie and I discovered a great boulangerie, great not for the food but great for the attractive guys behind the counter. The boulangerie is near the ISA office, which was our destination because I had to fix my class schedule. The very short version is: The European Union Today course was cancelled, and I switched to Paris decouverte. More later. ... After classes, Classmate-Melissa and I went to the Gilbert Joseph bookstore for school supplies. Then home. Then homework. I skipped Ladies' Night at the Long Hop. Next week.

Day 11: The second day of school! My first class was again Langue francaise. ... My second class was Paris decouverte (with Mme. Palmiero from 2-5 p.m. Wednesdays). Mme. Palmiero is actually Italian, but any accent is audible only to native French speakers. She is one of the most energetic people I have ever met and is even more energetic if the topic is Paris. The course is already my favorite. ... At lunch, Classmate-Melissa, Genny, David and I went exploring to a student cafeteria near La Catho. It was very cheap, but I doubt I will go back. It was that terrible. ... After classes, we had an ISA excursion to the Louvre. However, it was not guided, and we were tired, so after we saw the Mona Lisa, the Winged Victory of Samothrace and Cupid and Psyche, we left. Ahhh, the benefits of a year pass to the greatest museum. Anna, the two Melissas and I ate dinner at the brasserie across from Louise's apartment, with some of the best lasagna and chocolate mousse ever. Then homework.

Day 12: The third day of school! I did not have class in the morning, and I planned to be productive, but I slept in. .... My only class was L'actualite en France (with Mme. Andrawiss-Dlamini from 2-5 p.m. Thursdays). Mme. Andrawiss-Dlamini is probably the most American of my professors. She is the only one who has a syllabus. She also is the most difficult to understand because she talks so fast. But the course is already my other favorite if for no other reason than it gives me an excuse to read newspapers. ... After class, there was an ISA excursion to the Mondial de l'Auto. Roommate-Melissa and I decided our time would be better spent cleaning. Then homework.

Day 13: The fourth day of school! My only class was again Langue francaise. ... After class, Classmate-Melissa and I stopped at the boulangerie near the ISA office. Then we spent the entire afternoon at the office. And I still did not e-mail everyone I wanted to e-mail. There was a group meeting, but Roommate-Melissa and I were excused because the purpose was to discuss any problems the students were having with their host families, and we have no problems with Louise; she is the best! ... After an early dinner, Roommate-Melissa and I joined Anna, Classmate-Melissa, Genny, Laura and Valerie for an evening out and about. We started at the Long Hop, but it was less than an hour before someone decided we should go to the disco (henceforth, une boite de nuit). It was so fun to dance, and the French guys were more respectful than the American guys, but Anna and I left early because we had to meet at 9:30 a.m. at the ISA office for ...

Time for bed! I will finish tomorrow ... :)

le 2 octobre 2006

It really would be more practical to write every day. :)

Day Five: We had a group excursion in the early evening to Musee d'Orsay. The building itself is quite spectacular; it originally was a train station and was the inspiration for Grand Central Station in New York City. The art also is spectacular, with a few of the high points being several paintings by Monet, the "La Danse" sculpture and the glass-covered model of Paris. "La danse de l'ours au Moulin Rouge" hangs there as well, and I must say the painting truly is reflected in the film. ... After the Musee d'Orsay, Anna, the two Melissas and I took a short walk and sat for a bit in front of Notre Dame, which is beautiful during the day but even more so at night. ... Then Genny and Valerie joined us, and the rest of the night was about food. We bought crepes from a street vendor, followed by the best ice cream ever from a shop by the Seine, followed by the worst cheese ever from a grocery in St. Michel. The French like their cheese strong. Really really really strong. As roommate-Melissa says, it tastes like feet. Which leads to a discussion on how anyone knows what feet taste like.

Day Six: We (which generally means Anna, Genny, the two Melissas, Valerie and myself) decided to have a picnic. It was a potluck picnic, and roommate-Melissa and I brought the bread. By the way, it was at the Louvre. Not in the courtyard with the pyramids and the tourists, but not in the Jardin des Tuileries where one cannot walk on the grass, but in between on a nice green patch near a labyrinth. There was wine, of course, and good conversation. It was the perfect way to spend one of the final nice days of summer. ... Later, roommate-Melissa and I had a small dinner party with Louise and her friend Guy. He is quite possibly the source of all stereotypes about French men: handsome, chivalrous, confidant to point of arrogance and says enchante when he kisses your hand. He dislikes the United States but only since George W. Bush became the president. There was champagne before dinner and wine with dinner, and when Louise and Guy had had enough, roommate-Melissa and I thought it prudent to excuse ourselves. .... However, it was quite late, and the late hour meant roommate-Melissa and I missed a very exciting trip to the disco. Next week.

Day Seven: Roommate-Melissa and I went shopping with Louise. First to FNAC, an electronics store, where they shopped and I watched a dubbed version of "Friends," the one with the blackout when Rachel meets Paulo. Next we stopped at Louise's favorite cafe, Les Editeurs. Then roommate-Melissa and I went to DARTY so I could buy a hairdryer, and Louise went to Chinatown for the fish for dinner. Roommate-Melissa and I also stopped at Monoprix – twice. Once for lip gloss (for her), and once for school supplies (for her). Exciting stuff. ... Later, roommate-Melissa and I had another small dinner party with Louise and her friend Baboo. He is definitely not the source of any stereotypes about French men. He is from Senegal, is married to an Iranian woman and has two little boys. He is so genuinely friendly. He cooked a traditional Senegalese meal for us. Then he took us in his car for a nighttime tour of Paris. And he would have taken us for a tour of the nightlife if we had not been exhausted. Next time.

Day Eight: We (minus Genny, who got lost on the way to the cinema) went to see "Marie Antoinette." It was okay. Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good. It was an interesting perspective on a historical figure. I did like the colors, the clothes and the soundtrack. ... On the way home, a Chinese tourist stopped us for directions. We tried French, then English. Then roommate-Melissa tried Mandarin and got him on his way. Of all the people he stopped, he stopped the group with the person who knows Mandarin. How lucky.

Day Nine: Productive, but not adventurous. Answered e-mail. Learned Louise is writing a book. Learned my mom is coming to visit for sure!

Up Next: School begins.

le 27 septembre 2006

Four days in Paris: In brief.

Day One: Got lost in the Charles DeGaulle airport.

Day Two: Got lost on Rue Des Plantes (on the way to the International Studies Abroad office).

Day Three: Jet lag hit.

Day Four: Got lost on Rue De Vaugirard (on the way to L'Institut Catholique de Paris).

Home and ISA are magnifique. I have the best apartment (large, beautiful, with a view), the best hostess (Louise Chambert-Loir), the almost-best roommate (Melissa Wang) [I miss my Julie, Connie and Foster :)] and the best ISA chaperones (Gabriel, Annamaria and baby Antonopoulous, Sylvie Greenberg and Emilie Sene).

Le Catho also is going well, but the professors are not sure what to do with me. I took a written exam in June that placed me in Elementaire Deux and an oral exam today that placed me in Intermediare Deux. So my classes might be an odd mix of E2, E3, I1 and I2, and one class in English, The European Union Today.

And je m'amusante. I have been to the Eiffel Tower twice and the Seine once. I go tomorrow to the Musee D'Orsay. I also have a year pass to the Louvre.

Much more adventuring to do, with more details and photos to follow. In the meantime, having more fun than I imagined was possible, and missing and loving you all!

The Beginning

Less than 48 hours until Paris!